The holidays have come and gone and I felt quite good about it. I had no issue telling people that I was spending it alone. Some were sad at the idea but I was kick to reassure them that I was doing in on my own volition and that I was happy to do so. It felt empowering to know that I had the option of spending it with people or create my own little cozy time at home with my critters. I was not blessed with many days off but I did make the most of it. I was proud of myself to find joy in my circumstances and to let myself go into the dark side.
It’s recently that I have found myself looking at all the negative in the world. At first I didn’t realize what was happening until it had made it’s way deep in my mind. I found myself downward spiraling into a deep depression. I felt useless and fighting it was less than futile in my sick opinion. I was determined to let the darkness swallow me whole because “what’s the need” to try to fight this abominable world we live in.
It started very slowly. It crept in my mind like a sneaky little mouse. The change was unperceivable but the change happened. Things were sailing so good that I didn’t notice any changes. I didn’t feel I needed to pay attention to anything. I was on top of my game. I got fooled quite well. My mind knows me well. I need to pay more attention to the subtle changes that are happening to avoid this kind of situation. This is bound to happen again, I know that. But if I can catch it early enough, I can address the situation faster and avoid the peril I have found myself in. It’s like a big trench where the walls are so slippery that I you can’t figure your way out. It’s so dark that every attempt to get out seems like an eternity trying to make out what layout of the place. You can see a small bit of light shinning somewhere out of the pitch black but there’s no way to know how deep you are and where you are. I felt trapped. Not wanting to live but not ready to die either. Just totally stuck, defeated and ready to just give up as it seemed that the task to get out of this place, I didn’t want to be in in the first place, was too colossal to even attempt.
One day I decided that I had enough of this. I needed to find a way out. That’s when I remembered that I always carry light with me. It’s like the forgotten dollar at the bottom of a winter jacket in mid summer. I had forgotten that it was there. I am my own light and I needed to be practical about approaching this situation. When I’m at a low point in my mind, it’s not the time to make rash movements. It’s time to take things one little thing at a time. First thing first was to figure out the source of my dreadful place. It started slowly, doing reading on the web and one thing led to the other. It created enough light in me to seek help. This will be a process that will last for another while. I find it very difficult to seek help when I’m at a low point. I feel like things are made more difficult then like to test my willingness to peruse a goal. But I attacked it with the tools I found along the way of my life journey. There have been many useful ones along the way.
That’s how I discovered that I had an unhealthy attachment to negative media. During my researches, I have learned that it’s easier to pay attention to the not so good things rather than the good ones. I don’t remember the reasoning and the research analysis of it but the first statement stuck with me. I felt like a failure. I felt like pretty much everything was going awry in my life. Fret not, I knew deep down that it wasn’t the case. It was just a silly, but not funny, trick my mind was playing on me. The mind is an incredible device that we are all gifted. It’s such “handle with care” item that it’s hard to deal with most days. For me anyways. It likes to play tricks on me. Making me believe things that are not true. I don’t know if it’s the right way to see it but I feel blessed that it doesn’t show me grandiosity. I don’t feel invincible but rather vulnerable and breakable. The second item being totally a wrong statement. My flawed views of my current situation brought some fight in me. I couldn’t bare to stay that way when I know that there are better day that could be created. Trying to find the positive in each day was an hard task but every night my gratitude list was made. Even if it’s only one item that consist of saying “thanks for keeping alive” be it. It’s one things to be grateful for.
Things made slowly made their way to the upper side. The light I had found within allowed me to see roughly what had happened to me. I inadvertently pulled a lid on top of my head after exploring a cavern of negativity where I had no business going. I know I will do this again but I’m hoping that this time. I will be prompt into gathering that light that I carry with me to see what I had done to myself and get out of it faster.
I have made a tremendous effort to focus my energy on the things that are positive to me. Find a little bit of peace in things that fill my soul. I do not have to put the negative, anxiety driving things on the forward of my life. Most of them are non life threatening and I shall not put them on the forefront. They do not deserve that much attention. The despair they are creating is robbing some beautiful things to be enjoyed. My main labour at this time is to no fear the future for I don’t know what it is holding. Things can change in a blink of an eye. The lack of control the fear of loosing it all makes me tip toe around situations. It makes me defensive over this fear. I need to stop apologizing for what others are doing wrong and start asking to be treated right. Standing up for myself have been an ongoing long term project. I find it very difficult to do so because I put way too much importance over what other will feel and will think over my own. I keep repeating to myself that I have value. That I am allowed to live too. That my feeling and needs are valid and that can want them to be filled too. The words “I am enough” should be a primary thought in my mind.
I find myself to be a big project to tackle because I see it as a big mountain. It’s not. Little bits at a time and before I know it I will be farther than I ever thought I could be.
Be kind to yourselves.
Bike in Time 