It’s been a few hard days. I’m feeling totally worn out. Sleep is becoming illusive and when I do get to sleep it’s filled with nightmares. Maybe not real nightmares but they feel so real that I wake up more tired then rested. Those dreams are taking a toll on my mental health. My mind is tired and anxiety slowly worms its way back into my days. It takes me a while to shake those dreams away and to come back to reality because they feel so real. A lot of things are happening right now. Stress as come back in force even though they are not major things. I’m struggling to deal with them one at a time. I big thing I have been working on for decades. Things are not going as planned and I have lost my drive. Depression is back in town.
I have been dealing with it for a very long time. I was lucky to keep it at bay for a few months. But it’s now back and I have to once again battle with it. I know the routine quite well so I’m hoping to be able to cope better with it this time. Lot of things are on my mind. I can’t let this beat me. It feels like a mountain right now. A hard to climb mountain. I do know that it’s all about perspective though. I also know that the way I feel is temporary. It does feel like it’s never going to end. I was stuck in depression for such a long time before that I fear it’s going to go back that way. I need to allow myself to feel the feeling and to change my plans to take care of myself. It’s hard to do. I feel lost when things are not on track, when I need to slow things down and take a break. There’s so much to do and time feel like its evading me. Some days feels like three into one. It tires me greatly.
What I should know out of this is that I need changes. Despite the fact that I hate change it’s necessary. I have found myself in a corner once again. I need to find a way out of it otherwise nothing will happen. That would be insanity. The dictionary defines it as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I know how this goes way too well. I have straddled my old carousel horse for way too long. I know that I need to change steed in order to get away from this endless merry go round. I don’t think that there’s another way. I don’t see how things can be better for me if I don’t allow change in my life. Maybe what pains me the most is closing a short chapters when I had just gotten used to things and people in it. That creates dilemmas in my head that are not rational. Right now, I’m stuck. I can’t see the end. I need to make a major decision that could have a significant impact. I want to flee. I want to hide and not have to make it. It feels sort of wrong but greatly right at the same time. It might be the fact that I’m closing the door of a room that doesn’t bring me much anymore. It was great while it lasted. I have learned lots but what is there to learn more. I should get excited by this new venture but I feel sad about it too. Feel the feelings and let them go would tell me a former therapist. It breaks my heart. I feel like I’m abandoning people.
I have so many plans in my head that I would like to see come alive that I don’t know where to start. I can’t seem to lay down a plan as my projects and dreams seems non achievable. That contributes to my depressive state. I’m asking all sort of negative questions such as ” Will I make it? ” or “Can things get better for me, do I deserve it?” I’m usually prompt to chase those questions away. They have now seized my weak state of mind to creep in and try to take over. Those thought are good at doing this. They make things harder and harder to do. There seems to be no point to be fighting it. It’s never going to work out anyways. That sort of train of thoughts will get me in trouble. I need to find a way out of it. Snapping out of it is not going to cut it. I need to find another way. For the moment, it’s important to be easy on me. If I push too much it will be detrimental to my health. I’m thinking calling off at work. I need time off. My life is a perpetual fast moving thing. There’s not time in it to do anything or so I think. I made it that way. Most likely so I don’t feel the pain too much.
I’m feeling very lonely for the past couple of days. Even when surrounded with people I feel alone. Another trick of depression. It makes the world look like they are against you and that you are stranded on an island by yourself and people don’t seem to notice your help sign and smoke signals. The things is, there are people reaching out but I can’t see it or I pretend to not see them. This is being under a rock and a hard place. I need to reach out but I don’t have the energy to do so. I don’t see my little victories as such and therefore I dig deeper in my depression. Funny how it is. When things go right and happiness is around, there’s no difficulty to reach out and ask for help. But when things are hard and there’s no motivation, reaching out is a thing can be unattainable.
I’m currently easily distracted. I can’t seem to be able to focus. The main concern of my day have been to clear up some rooms in my house and I got into a bout of tears because in my opinion it was not going fast enough. I did clear up a few things. I did clean a few others. It’s much better than it was and things are getting better organized. My sad mind didn’t see it that way. It should have been all sorted out right away in order to feel better. Battling thoughts with thoughts. A inner battle of wits. It sounds weird to me. I have been trying to focus on the things I have done today while the tears where running down my face. I had to stop a few time to gather myself and breathe then keep moving. There’s nothing else I could have done. At lunch time I allowed myself to take a short break but then I saw something that didn’t agree with me. The broom was calling. I’m now taking the time to write this because it create an escape from my current reality and a way to think things through. I don’t know if this will reach another soul in need but it’s helping me in the moment.
Today is a good reminder that plans are made to be changed if need be. That going off track can bring new discovery. That changes can be good, otherwise they can bring a good lesson. That allowing changes to come and seizing the opportunities presented is an act of courage. That just waking up and doing the bare minimum is a step in the right directions. That I still need to be grateful for the people and things I have and that life is not all doom and gloom. I know things are going to get better, they always do. I have my medication on board that help me not falling too deep and other precious things to hold on to while I don’t feel great. I need to keep things simple at this time otherwise I will loose myself in non important things. It’s a great reminder that things don’t always go as planned and that it’s ok to take the time to find new options. My dreams will come true when the time is right and if the right amount of work is put into them. I have been wearing a cuff bracelet saying so to remind me of it and I also have a charm stating that I need to create my own sunshine. In other words, that I’m responsible for my own happiness and that some gloomy days are necessary to create the bright light.
Bike in Time 