The season to “be jolly” is fast approaching. I thought that I would reach out to those, like me, that will be spending the season alone. It’s a tough time for a lot of people out there. Everything is screaming happiness right now. Like we have to spend December 1st to January 2nd being just happy, friendly and jolly. There’s songs about this. There’s also a unhealthy amount of messages saying that we ought to be finding love, be in love, be with a loved one and whatever other nauseating message of magic love finding.
For some of us, Blue Christmas is more of our reality. Or the fact that there’s nothing magic about this season but depressive thoughts and longing for something that is not ours to have. Maybe you find yourself having separated, having lost your partner in crime, the loss of a dear family member or friend. Whatever the reason of your predicament, I feel for you. It is a very lonely time of the year for us.
For some, it’s a time that was highly anticipated but because of some curve ball life threw at them they are finding themselves alone this year, or the past few, and it’s now a dreaded time. I hear you all. My heart goes to you all that would love this season to be very different. To be able to feel that joy and cheers that everyone else seem to have this time of year. To have someone to celebrate with. I know how hard and trying this can be for you. Truth is, I don’t know exactly but I sure can make a good idea.
A few years back I was sitting in front of a beautifully roaring wood fire surrounded by my critters, a garnished Christmas tree to my left and an insane amount of decorations. I should have been happy but instead I was sitting there, all alone, sobbing uncontrollably. I was wondering what I had done to the world to deserve this punishment. I was wondering if I would be better of somewhere to celebrate in a bad couple situation or if being there was the best I could have at that time and accept my faith.
It took me years to come terms with the fact that Christmas was going to be better off spent on my own and that making it a good time was up to me. I sure miss the people that are dear to me but I can always reach them by phone to chat with them for a few minutes. They take the time to talk to me every time which is greatly appreciated. Otherwise I have found solace in the fact that I don’t have to go shopping for anyone, that I can still go to bed early (I’m not an night owl!) and that I don’t have anyone to cater to. That’s a time I can take to rest. I am now creating my own solo traditions.
I have been cooking myself a Christmas meal that I want. I will bake my favorite treats. I find activities I would like to do during that time. It was not an overnight change, it took years. Even now, I find myself reminiscing the good old times. It came to mind, not too long ago that I wasn’t truly appreciative of those moments of my youth years. I took them for granted and thought that would be there forever. Now that these times are all gone and that the people involved have also departed the nostalgia is strong in my heart. Some days it feels like a warm hug and some other day it makes me shed tears. It’s a hard time either way.
This is the first time in years that I am fully (I may be kidding myself) prepared to spend the holidays alone and looking forward to it. No commitments, nowhere to go and time spent in my pyjamas. I can rely on my imagination to bring me in another dimension where things are different for a moment but still be able to get cozy into what I currently have. And that’s a lot. I remind myself that my current situation is not final and that I could definitely make things different if I wanted to. I heard of those solo people Christmas meal where one person opens their house to other solo people and they create a pot luck type of Christmas diner for the group. I think that’s a fantastic idea.
This year I made a commitment to regain the joy of listening to the Christmas music that once filled my heart. I decided that I wanted to retrieve my youth’s eyes and find magic in the season. I want to leave my triggers away to try to enjoy this time. I want to vicariously live the holidays through other’s experiences, songs, memories and arguably good Hallmark Noel creations. That being said, I know it’s easier said than done but I am committed to making it happen, at least trying. After all, it’s not about the presents but what I can make of it.
I wish all of my readers and everyone else a very fulfilling time of the year!
Now, for those that find it hard. I will keep you all in my heart and thoughts during this trying time. Feel free to reach out to me or anyone that you feel safe with to talk about it. Talking about things can help make things better. If you think a stranger is easier to talk to, I am here for you. You are not alone. Hugs.
Bike in Time 