Courage to Change

The permanence of a situation is never forever even if it’s seems like it will last until my last breath. Living is hard but ultimately it’s what I make out of those challenges that I will find out if I will make it or break. I can say with certainty that I don’t want to break. I want to live this life with all of its ups and downs. I will admit, in all honesty, that I’m never looking forward the downs. They hurt really bad. They try to break me. The result is often like missing some pieces of me. I get eroded with time. That’s where the good days come to play. They are rebuilding and I can take that time to make myself stronger. Both are needed to get myself better. It’s a lifetime of lessons to learn and unlearn. A survival strategy that served me well at one point might become obsolete as I get stronger. I may need to ditch the some crutches and some braces along the way. I may also need to find better fitted ones along the way to support me in the way I need at the time.

There’s no right or wrong answers to this life. I need to stay true to myself no matter what. I am all I got. All I can do is the best I can with the knowledge I have at the time. Becoming strong was a learn behavior. I certainly wasn’t born that way. I will admit that I once was very temperamental and would seek solitude to avoid the wrath of living. I have now ditch the self pity way of being. It’s so easy to ask “why me?”. The right answer is that if this is happening it’s certainly because something got to change. I can’t stay in the same way forever. I need to be in constant motion. Just like a bicycle, I need to keep moving in order to keep my balance. I am grateful to have achieve a level of independence and self sufficience. There’s days where I would like to lower my level of hyper independency but until I can figure out a way out of it it will have to suffice. It’s the current brace I need at this time.

I am currently resisting a change. I may have attained a level of complacency that need change. I can feel the movement. I want that movement but I am also scared. I have worked too hard to get where I am to stop the train and bail out of my adventure. What would be the point anyways? Just to try to live a recluse life with nothing. To keep most of the troubles away. How boring would this be. I know that life as a way of throwing curved ball at the least expected moment. Nothing is permanent, tomorrow everything could be changed. I can count on that change to bring me what I need at the present moment. It might not be what I want but it’s what I need. Some days it’s all smiles, happy moments and another it’s holding back tears and a broken heart.

I’m training myself to see my worth, my talent and my wit. Training to not give in others expectations of me. To know that I am special in my very own way and that I need to stay who I am despite others wanting to change me. My needs are real and I can voice my need to have them filled. I won’t settle no more to the pressure of supressing my needs in order to please others. I owe it to myself to stand tall and strong for who I am. I can continue to help others but it can’t no longer be detrimental to myself. This narrative it so new to me that I have an hard time sticking to it. I still feel guilt after I stand up for myself. I brace for rejection, for hate. I have found that it’s not always welcomed with certain people and well received with others. There’s no pleasing of everyone. I have found that in the process of trying to please everyone I loose myself. I’m destroying my worth. I am working on not trying to show my value to those who don’t want to see it. There’s no point in trying to convince others of it. If they can’t see it there’s no need to show them at all cost. They are blind to it. Whatever the reason that they chose not to see what is in front of them is on them. I have nothing to do with it. Fortunately there are those who see it and it’s important to connect with them. The hyper independency needs to be curb down at times and welcome those time where someone see my worth and is supportive.

As much as life is not all rainbows and unicorns, it’s also not all grim and gloomy. Everything has it’s seasons. I am making a conscious effort to see the presents that life is giving me in the better or worst times. It’s not an easy feat in the dark times but it does help to make life worth living. Then I can keep hoping and have faith that the sun will shine again because nothing grows without rain. There’s a need for days and nights. Today I choose to believe that my future is bigger than I can expect. Some days I feel like I got my heart ripped out of my chest. Devastation may fills my soul. I take solace in knowing that those feelings are only temporary. I am longing to find someone to go home to but I can certainly be my home for now. I have build a fortress with what is dear to me. They are my foundations and they are solid. The rest will come. I have no real plans on how exactly my home should be built just a dream. I can make things up as I go with trials and errors. There’s no right ways as I learn. If there’s wasn’t for trials and errors I wouldn’t know what it better for me. My foundations are what is keeping the dream alive. I am working hard to make it happen. I know I will find the people that I need to teach me or help me build my dreams.

I’m currently working on starting trusting again. It’s one of the hardest thing I have considered doing. I often feel that there’s only myself I can trust. I have learned that I can’t count on solely myself to make my dreams real. I need to find reliable people to help me along the way. Finding them is been the hard part. So many will promise you to be there for you. At the end they don’t show up. They don’t keep their words. I am learning to forgive them. I understand that there are circumstances but they now go on the “not to be trusted” list a little faster than before. I am thinning my list of trusted people. People come and go in my life and I need to accept it the way it is. Acceptance is a hard thing for me. I wish I could have my way. It’s not way it works. I have to have faith that things are going to work out for me. I wish I could dictate the way things will be for me but it’s better it’s not. That would be too easy. As much as I despise surprises, it’s anxiety driving, it’s better for me that things are not planned. It makes me face my fears and insecurities. It helps me work on myself and find the better in me.

Every situation has an end. I must keep my focus on this. I need insure that my better times are well engraved in my memory in order to better get through my hard days. All the messages I receive as of late seems to be an omen urging me to keep going. That it’s not the end. I must peruse my goals and dreams. To be strong about my convictions. To be persistent about my needs and boundaries. I am a strong individual that have a very good idea of where I am going and what I want out of this life. I have made the conscious decision of not being a mat for anyone anymore. This last one is proving to be a difficult one to abide by but with time and patience on my part I am bound to succeed this endeavour. Mistakes will be made, I know this, but there’s no success without trying. I will try until my last breath, even if I take some breaks to gather my thoughts and take a deep breath, I will keep trying to better my life and learning lesson to improve myself. I am worth it!

Out Looking In

The thought of giving up has been at the forefront of my current thoughts. Living is hard at right now. Too much at the same time is happening. My soul is fighting to stay true to itself. Everything is telling me to shut down, to not try anymore. I foresee the heartbreak that is coming and from experience I know too well how hard it’s going to hit. The ultimate price to pay for being alive. Suffering is a part of the game. So is happiness. There can’t be one without the other. There’s also that façade to keep because being a puddle of extreme emotions is not a viable option. I can’t let my guard down, sit there and watch the world go by.

Despite the ordeals life has brought me I have been unexpectedly surprised by the amount of people that showed up at different well timed moments. I may feel lost but there’s those angels that are sent at the right time to save the day. I used to live in such darkness that I never noticed these special moments. I couldn’t have because I was so focused on my condition. I had so many self pity parties that it became my way of living. Until I realized that I needed to open my eyes and my mind to the beauty around me, things were bound to stay dark and sorrowful.

At about the same time where I started to build up my vision boards, I had made the promise to myself to keep my head held high no matter what. I still allow myself to hunker down at times. Those moments are spent gathering my thought and focusing on a solution rather than self loathing. It took me years to understand that self pity is not a solution. That no one will magically show up to save me. I’m my only hope, my only way to happiness. Trying to find happiness is a journey meant to have all the ups and downs. It’s not supposed to be smooth sailing all the way until the end. If I really think about it, it wouldn’t be any fun. My mind needs challenges. It needs to thinker and find ways out of problems. So my analysis is that I will be challenged harder than I can expect it because I can overcome it.

Some days, like right now, when I feel like throwing the towel, I remember my blessings. There are so many if I take a moment to think about it. Just recently, I have found myself in a pickle. On the moment my reflex was to start panicking and tears were near. But then I recomposed myself and the solutions came about. It was actually surreal. I couldn’t believe my luck. All didn’t resolve on the moment but the right people came to my rescue. They made what could have been a big problem a somewhat lesser one.

I have had to learn that being self sufficient didn’t mean handling all by myself but to have the right people around me to step up when times are hard. It also mean to be there for others when times are hard for them. The saying “what goes around comes around” couldn’t be more true. I have to remind myself that being patient for the “comes around” part is much needed. I can never know when this will be my turn. The wait is not a good enough excuse to let myself not showing up for others. I have to keep working on cultivating my patience and know that with it things will work out.

With tons of practice I am now able to put things aside and not fret over the what could go worst. There’s no point since it had not yet happened. It would be real easy to give in the urge to panic. It takes a lot of my mental energy to keep that fear at bay. Some days I’m tired of fighting it. Those days I need to retreat into a safe space where I can forget the life ups and downs. Some mindless facebooking or Tic Toc have been useful. I’m trying to create a safe space within my own home where I can hide and feel peace surrounding me. I have a defined idea of how this magical place should be. Surrounding myself of my favorite things in a cozy environment. I then will need to make a conscious effort to retire in my lair to bring the calm in my soul. I’m hoping that this cave will help me redirect my anxiety and help with the depressive state where I find myself at times. I wish it will help reset my mind and steer me towards more effective solution to my problems. I need to find creativity once again. With the current strain of event that keeps happening I haven’t been able to access this part of me that is just waiting to resurface.

For now I need to keep on going even in the wake of hard to swallow events. If I let myself go to despair, I will be less than good. I need to address things as they come and not give in to the lurking panic. That would do me no good. When I sense that I’m loosing track, I need to make a conscious effort to neutralize my thinking and bring myself to a place of peace despite the turmoil. Help can’t come if I have lost my grip. I need to stay sane and grounded. Surround myself with what brings me joy and peace. It won’t stop the inconvenience to come but it will make my world easier to handle. I will have an escape to a better place in my mind if the world seems to be up side down. My North Star will always be shining even if I can’t see it on a cloudy night. I must keep going. That’s the only way.

Finding the North Star

My mind have been working overtime. Sleep have once again evaded me. Those black marks under my eye have reappeared. My mind is going crazy. I have no clue how to stop the rush out of that unhealthy thinking. I wish it would just go away but it won’t I know. I need to let these thoughts run free or they will consume me with their silence. It will cause my mind to go even crazier. I’m trying to redirect this negativity and it prove to be a next to impossible task.

I’m second myself so much. So many “What ifs”. I can’t bare the weight of all of it. I thought that I was better than this. That my growth would prevent this way of life. But it sure didn’t. It did help me to cope to survive in a better way. I’m desperately trying to hold on. To move on. To get on with my life and to not go back crawling like a half dead creature clinging for life. The hardships have made me a warrior. I have to remember this. I will survive and then I will thrive no matter what. I’m terrified. It seems so dark. I need my eyes to get use to this new darkness in order to see better. Once accustomed I will be able to see again and find my way again. Allowing time to do it’s thing seem like an eternity because of fears that runs through my blood.

I’m longing to find my north star to let me know the way. To guide me where I’m supposed to be. To find respite in my head. To tell me that this is not a finality and that there’s more to look forward ahead. I’m lost in my stormy sea of thoughts. I know that the way is there. I just need to find it and if not I have to make my own way in the darkness. There’s light, I know it. Even if darkness currently rules, it doesn’t mean that a set back will rule the rest of the journey. I know, deep down, my heart, that it’s not all over. Life will find it’s way. This might have been merely a test of convictions. How much growth have I done in the last years, months, day? Can I finally stand up for myself, for what I believe in without changing who I am to accommodate what another thinks it’s right? What is right for me is my verity. I need to find selfishness in myself in order to respect the person that needs to be number one in my life. Me, myself and I. Then i can start looking out for others.

I have a big heart, I will give without asking anything in return. The change that occur is that I will protect myself first then allow myself to give. I can’t give what I don’t have even if I try. I can’t magically create what non existent. That would be wronging me and my identity. I have to stay true to myself.

It’s hard to no knowing if things are going to turn in your favor after a fall. Keeping up the faith is a lesson in resilience. It’s so hard to believe that better days are ahead. There a need for the not so good ones. I find that they are good at teaching me my wants and needs. I have to respect these lessons and learn. Otherwise they are bound to repeat themselves until the lessons are learned. I only have one life to live and it’s up to me to make it good. I know that no one is going to come and swipe me off my feet and make things all good for me. It all start with me. It’s perplexing that it’s all starting around me. I’m the only factor to my own happiness. I need to keep counting my blessings. I need to keep keeping the faith and the hope that it’s not yet a finality.

I have thoughts that I’m all alone in this world but it’s so far from true. I have seen the signs when I opened myself to receiving them. I have so many people caring for me and some I don’t know the existence of until they magically appears and make things a little brighter. Those strangers are the guides that show up along my journey to tell me that it’s not over yet. To keep going. That the sky will soon open before my eyes to show me how wonderful things can be. My life needs both darkness and light in order to move forward.

I’m slowly replacing some elements of my life to where they were at the before state. It help feeling better and increasing my confidence. The before was when I had found happiness. Where things were going rather smoothly. It’s like pressing the reset button to where it was good. Where my dreams where big and strong. I had no real limits. I felt free. In the last months I felt like I was trapped. Where there was not outing to it. But my resilience ignited a fire in me to show me that with a bit of grit and perseverance I could get out of that sticky situation and reclaim my freedom. I need no one to enjoy my life. I have all I need to be happy. Beside, being alone forces me to learn new skills every day. I know that I am strong. I’m not against sharing my strength with another one being but not at the cost of my sanity. I will always defer to my own in case of incompatibility. I have learned my limits and what is acceptable to me. I have to stick to it because trying to change who I am will only lead to my true self fighting back and show its true self with glory. There’s so much fire and rushing water inside me. The torrent can’t be contained. It will break what on it’s way even if if takes decades.

I need to find my own light. The star hidden within me. Release it into the sky to shine in all its brightness over my world. I might have hidden it in my pocket amongst so many other things that I can find it. I just need to dig deeper and it will be time to let it out. I’m really trying to stay positive and upbeat. It’s so hard. My own history have told me that this is not the end that there’s more to come. To not give in to despair. I will find my way. In the mean time, I need to let my tears flow as freely as they want to. There’s no need to keep anything inside. I have to live for what it is it’s supposed to be. Learn patience, gain strength and learn to stay true to myself one day at a time.

A Touch of Rainbow

Life as a way to surprise you, to test, to bring unforeseen mountains. Turns of events forcing you to check how much resilience are left within yourself. The recent even sent me crashing down once more. Decision were made that surely didn’t made me happy but that surely were necessary. I have regrets, my heart is breaking from it. I find myself lurking over the dark side once more. My heart is longs what once was. It’s hard to know when a decision is rightly taken or not. There’s seems to always be that second guessing. That fear of recking somethings that might have been. The only thing left to do is wait it out. See what kind of chapter could be started. It’s dangerously scary. Tears are rolling down my face. It’s hard, it’s treacherous, it’s hurt so bad. I’m hoping for something. I have no idea of what I’m hoping for besides to have the pain go away. I don’t know how much more breaking this heart can take.

I know I can survive but I’m getting tired of this survival game. I want to thrive. I want to bloom. Survival is not a way to live my life. My self reliance is getting in the way. I’ve been cheated so many times with smoke shows and all the glitter that I can’t believe in the good of others intentions. I’m broken. I have learned this self reliance skill from years of being lied to. Trying to get up after yet an emotional wreckage have gotten easier in time but at a cost. The cost being growing an armor to guard whatever is left inside. It makes it hard to let people in. It’s taking the risk of having another little part of me being destroyed. Trust is a hard earned thing now. I can never be sure of the goal behind one’s actions. I’m always guarded.

I want to be able to trust, to rely on someone else to have my back, to be there for me. It’s a very scary place to even look at. I truly need to change something inside me. I know it, feel this need. Where to start though? I don’t know, I haven’t found any manual on how to live life yet. It’s a random. Every stories are so different and similar at the same time. I have a hard time navigating it. There’s no amount of self help book that can teach how to fully live. I can grab a few things along the way but never fully be prepared to what’s to come. It’s a mystery. My brain function on hypervigilance most of the time. It’s the fear of missing a message, a sign that something can go wrong. The fear of not be prepared for what’s to come because I have an hard time coping with undefined factors. I’m guarded so I can protect what’s left.

I need growth right now. The last heartbreak was hard. I need to find the silver lining in it. Expect a miracle because they do happen. C.S. Lewis once said “hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny”. I have yet to see this. I have to figure out a way to leave my past where it is. It’s so hard to accomplish. One day I feel like I got it and it’s stay there for a while. Then, out of no where, a trigger situation happens and I feel spiraling down at high speed. I stay stuck there for a while wondering how I suddenly got there when things were going so smoothly. I have to climb back up, desperately trying to find my way back where I should be. Unexpectedly, I sometimes find another trail to take. That’s where I currently am. I got sent down the spiral, most likely for a reset. A new beginning may be lurking in the distance. I have to find it. I’m truly hoping for a bit a sunshine in the horizon. My dark clouds that returned have over stayed their welcome. I know that I need some of those rainy day to be able to grow. I will try to accept them as best as I can.

I have fury inside of me and maybe an unhealthy dose of stubbornness. I have been told so many times about the later. I’m guessing that it’s both genetics and learned behavior. That stubbornness have saved me many times and have made be accomplished what I thought was impossible. It served me well over the years but it’s yet another things that I need to lessen the power of. I need to find my clan, my family. I want to be held and told that’s it’s going to be ok and that someone else got it for me for a while. I want to be able to rest without fear. I want to start living again. I want to find my home. My restless night have taken a toll on me. I need to find the stars and bring back peace. I want to chase that chaos away. Steps need to be taken, I need to find the start of that new start. For now, putting on a brave face when out there and pretending that everything is ok will be the way until I can figure out where to go. Once the sun will come to shine again and chase the rainy clouds it will bring some rainbows. Then I’ll know that I’m on the right path. In the mean time I need to get moving in order to find that sun. I’m not yet sure of the direction but taking a step in any direction is a start. I can always readjust as I go.