Believing

Beside my first cup of coffee in the morning, my second favorite part of the day is bed time. I find it like a reset button. It’s my time to recap my day, do my gratitude list and fall deeply asleep. It’s a positive time and I avoid recapping my woes of the day. It’s all about finding the positives and the beautiful in each day. This change in my night routine has allowed me to spend restful nights and wake up refreshed and ready to take on the new day, this new chance at living meaningfuly.

All nights are not graced with the most peaceful sleep. Some are bound to be filled with nightmares and sorrows. I used to take those nights very badly. They would destroy my peace for the day and I would spend the day ruminating about it and why I couldn’t just get at least a good rest. Well, it’s like living, it can’t always be rainbows and unicorns. I think I would be massively depressed without the ups and downs of life. Without the harder times, I can’t really feel the good days. They all get blurred up into this one pile and there’s no real difference between them. It wouldn’t be happiness it would just be mindless living. I think it would be even worst then having to work for the growth I need to to do on a daily basis in order to overcome obstacles.

Last night was one of those that send me almost crying as I woke up. The anxiety felt unreal, it was poignant. I had woken up from a stressful night. I had somewhat anticipated it. Considering the changes that have been happening in my life it was bound to happen. In my case, it doesn’t matter the kind of changes. Be they be positive, negative or neutrals, they all cause some raising anxiety in me. It mostly happen in my sleep. I have gotten quite good at repressing the day to day anxiety. Years of practice at handling the daily challenges without falling apart so I can continue working and earning a living have worked but get me very tired. That anxiety have found a way to express itself and it’s through dreaming where I loose all control of my emotions. The weirdest dreams came about lately and I knew what was to come. I find myself to have created a good self awareness and finding patterns in my behavior so I can sorta predict what’s to come and make moves accordingly when the time comes.

One thing that I was surprised to find as I was savouring my first cuppa was the tears that came close to fall down my cheeks. That was a happy moment since I haven’t been able to shed one little drop of this salty water in over a year just as if I had ran out. I now know that they are there, it’s just a matter of time before they resurface. I just need to continue on my journey of honoring myself and becoming the best I can be. A life long journey that I’m mostly excited to take on. I’m working hard to be at peace with the fears I used to have. The defence I had to build up to protect myself, the disappointments that were so crushing. Although my anxiety level was pretty high this morning and I just wanted to stay in bed, I got up and made the decision to figure out where this is coming from and then work on it. I made the decision to not let this define my day because I currently have so much to look forward to.

My attitude and behavior have been the best it as been in over a decade. I have found joy and have been able to let go of so much it’s been so liberating. I have gained back a part of the strong person I used to be. I have been able to be vulnerable without feeling weak. I have been able to speak out and tell the things the were they really were without the guilt. I have regain a lot of confidence. I’m sure glad I believe in myself and that with the help of my support circle I am able to reconnect with my true self without feeling any negativity. My self acceptance is growing by the day and I’m able to let my shine express itself for the world to see. I haven’t felt this warm inside on years. It feels liberating and I’m embracing this new found state of mind.

This morning reflection brought me to find peace again. I do not need to feed my anxiety all day long. I just need to acknowledge it, think about it for a little while to discover the source of it and then move on. I refuse to let it dictate my day. I choose to find other ways to brighten it. I’m very grateful that trouble found me. I’m glad because I was able to reflect on it and manage to stay calm, feel the feeling and gently tame it. These need to happen and they need to continue their teachings. My growth depend on them to show up to better myself. Life is a procession of events that I can’t control and they are bound to bring some of my short comings to life. Those can’t stay indefinitely repressed. They need their time to express themselves and be resolved. Sometimes too many situation happen at the same time but ultimately it’s how one handles all of them on a linear way instead of mountain way that will dictate the way those challenges will be handle. My father have been repeating this to me for so many years and it took me so long to understand it and applying it. It was a bit of wisdom from someone that cares about me that I needed to retain. Messages like this can come in the most surprising way. I need to be aware of them and take them and then study them as much as possible in order to apply them to my life.

Living day by day is still quite the hardship for me. I want to let go of the what ifs and I should of. The lack of control of the future is still causing stress. I’m trying hard to let things happen and to surrender to the beautiful or not so nice surprises that life can bring me. I want to have faith that I will be ok and that things will work out at the end. They always seems to find their way. All the years of survival and fighting against my lack of control have taken me a bit behind in my learning but I won’t give up. It’s never too late. I just need to keep practicing and it I will own my newfound skills and it will seems easy and natural at some point. I’m not going to give up on myself anymore.

Now I need to go reflect and go smell the horses.

Enough

Perspective plays a big role in how things are perceived. The moments and locations where those perceptions take place also play a big role into how things are felt. One thing I have leaned is to take a moment to rethink those moments to insure I have seen right. I do pay attention to my gut feeling as it’s telling me about something I might have missed. Gut feeling is about how your brain detect little details that you may not have consciously pay attention to. On the moment, a jerk reaction could be over the top but it might be coming from an inner place where I have been before. A place where it brought back some faint memories that prompted the reaction. From this I have learned to step back and look at my behavior when I think I could do things differently. I’m all about improving and learning from my mistakes. I try to not let my emotions take the best of me and run away with a part of my sanity.

Doing a second take on my actions, reactions and behaviors helps me understand and better myself. While doing this it helps improve how I perceive myself. It seems like it was so easy to destroy my confident self. I never thought of myself as a confident person, especially about my physics which I used to hide under baggy clothing. I thought I was perceived as a freak because of my height. When you tower over everyone from a young age, others seems to perceive you differently because you don’t fit the normalcy. That might have brought me to the introversion I experienced at a young age.

A bit later in life I still had that lack of body self esteem but my opinion was forged in iron. It was set and barely moveable. I had strong beliefs about how things ought to be and I was not to change my point. I felt strongly about justice and I would go to war to bring it. Over the years I have experienced contacts with people that I thought looked out for me and they were not. They took advantage of me and the big fire that I had inside. They slowly poured water onto it and it started fading away to a point where it was almost extinguished. As I now learn, this fire can’t and won’t be put out. It hid somewhere inside me at the ready to bring heat and motivation when the timing was right.

For years, I associated myself with people that inadvertently seems to want put me down. At the time I felt that it was unfair and that the abusive behaviors toward me was my fault and that I deserved it. No wonder I thought that life was not worth living. When your already unsteady self it rocked so hard that you risk drowning at every moves it can be very unsettling. I got to questioned my sanity so many times it became the norm. How did I get so low was something I couldn’t answer. At the time I didn’t realize the amount of abuse I was inflicting to myself. My clinginess had brought the worst out of me. It took me the separation of that neediness I was experiencing to be able to clearly see what had happened. It was really hard to admit my fault into this and then I discovered the amount of abuse I took because I could not love myself the way I deserved.

Once I separated from that need to have someone in my life to make me feel like I was worth it, it became much easier to find perspective over my actions. Yes, I have been needy. Desperately seeking confirmation of my worth. I had seen that happiness comes from within. I understood the concept but failed to apply it to my life. I still was clinging desperately on the approval of others to justify me living. I did think it was my mission to do good and to look out for other and forget about me. It made me feel better to help others but at the end of the day it made me feel empty and I still went home to an empty me. Instant gratification of my selfless actions were not producing the results I was seeking for. It still left me wanting for more and too tired to try for more. Being the sole responsible to my own self looking out for me was one of the hardest things I have had to work for. The regaining of self worth and learning to love again start with one self. The words: ” I am enough” were like chasing a mythical creature. Seemingly to be an unattainable goal. Why bother chasing after something that seemed to not be mine.

That little fire left in me did not forget about me. I did not forget about myself and I set to become a better version of myself one little bit a time. Sustainable positive changes can’t happen over night. It’s a slow work. It’s making almost not noticeable steps one a time over a long period of time. In my case one morning I was put to the test and I was surprised of the result or my labour. I had made it to a point where I didn’t think I could ever make it. I had achieved to love myself to know I was enough. I had learned to live for me and being able to set healthy boundaries for myself. This wouldn’t have happened without taking the resolution to take very small steps into self acceptance. I have allowed old coping behaviors to surface and I did questioned them over their need to be there. I did realized that they were not useful anymore. I needed a different way of addressing the situations I had found myself in. I was now able to chase away some fears. Being accepted and modifying my behavior in order to please others had faded away. I was now able to enjoy living for me. Coming to this was like being able to breathe fresh air again. What a thrill.

I’m definitely thousands of leagues away from where I once was. Because of all the little steps I took it made it into a seamless transition. Almost as if the results happened overnight. I’m sure there will be more drawbacks and I will be ready to welcome them. They will be needed to keep moving forward in my growth. I used to see some opportunities as the last one that life would ever present to me. I can say that it’s a very fatalist way of living driving me to take decisions that were not good for me. The “what ifs” needed to stop there. I came to understand that “what ifs” where not conducive to anything healthy for me. Who are they healthy for anyways? I needed to stop this behavior and wait for the right opportunity. There ought to be other choices. There will be other choices. Life has a knack of bringing unexpected situations at unforeseen moments. Learning to live for the surprise and leaving the tragedy of moments that haven’t happened yet behind. My father, a very wise man, told me to not fret the future because it had not happened yet. He’s very right. I better address moments as they come. Living in the future if is just wasting my precious energy over moments that totally may never happen. I’m guessing that this behavior of overseeing the future turn of event comes from my need to control the ” what ifs” and be ready for them. What about letting things happen and see how my progresses will lead me to react over those situations?

Watching the current trials of some celebrities have taught me a lot about my own behaviors. Surviving behaviors that are no longer useful but that were at the time. It started as very triggering but is now a big learning curve. Lots of expert came on board to explain things and it made sense to me. I had found myself in those situations. It must have been a combination of understanding and knowing that others have been in my shoes that made me feel better. I have heard testimonies of others that have gone through worst than me and have found freedom at the end of it. It had been very helpful. Life shouldn’t be a fatality and I’m learning to live it for me because that is the only one I have. If others don’t seem my worth they do no belong in my life and I must not let them dull my shine. I must admit that I have been able to to shine more lately. I’m walking with more confidence because of the discovery late self worth growth.

Another things I have heard lots about lately is to do the things that you like doing for you. Doing them to gain approval of others or make others happy is not the right way to approach it. By doing the things I love doing because they make me happy will help me fulfill my own cup. Doing it for others only fill the other’s cup and empties yours. It slowly erase yourself and modify your unicity to fit a mold that you think exist but it’s only in your head. As hard as it was to understand it, I now know that I will never fit any mold that another person would like me to fit in, as hard as I will try to it will never happen. I have only one mold I need to fit in and it’s my own. It’s trying to be my best self every day. I now understand that being alone for a while was a part of my plan. I need to heal in order to be strong enough to handle more. Otherwise it will only cause another fall which I refuse to have. I will be steady and strong with my affirmations. I will be gracious with my limitations and not allow myself to let others be dictators of my directions.

I’m happy with the current state of mind I am in. So much learning and changes are happening right now. It’s a bit like a whirlwind, spinning and overwhelming but I know it’s worth it. I need to keep my pace slow but allow those bursts as they are a bit like a change of direction. I need to cater to my needs and do things for myself. I need to be enough. I need to find my happiness within. I need to be me again because I am enough.

Now to go and smell the horses.

Ghost Tears

This was a tough week. It was very tiring both physically and mentally. There’s no other way to get through those but to shove my feeling deep down and put a tight lid on it to be able to not feel and keep going. I have been fighting against anxiety. I have no tears left to help relieve the pressure. They are long gone. Supressed by all the times I needed an output to get some pressure out of my soul. Many tears were shed and it seems like I have exhausted my lifetime allowance. There’s no more even if I try, they don’t come. Then I’m left to find an output to relieve this pressure that just keep on building. I know that receding it in an abyss at the back of my head is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Sooner or later this behavior will come back to haunt me and it’s already started to creep out of its hole. It comes in the form of prowling not so great memories that creep up and create a whole lot of guilt and anxiety. I’m now left to deal with those pieces and forgive the past me. It pains me to realize all those bridges that I have burned over the years. The people I loved dearly that I have hurt. It makes me sick to see that I was not as great I as thought I was. I have regrets but the only thing I can do right now is to do better. There’s no way to change the past and making amends to those people might not be the right thing to do either. What I can do is forgive myself and pray for those I have hurt and try to improve myself in order to not find myself in a similar situation. I am not striving to be perfect, I would despise this state. How can one learn and improve without making mistakes.

I have been working on learning more about anxiety and maybe doing counseling again. The second being quite hard to get on board with. There seems to have a massive influx of counseling need in the past years. It might have to do with Covid or there’s less counselors. Nonetheless, trying to find help right now seems next to impossible. I’m relieved that my state of mind is not in dire need of it. I can manage without but I feel for those that are desperately needing it and can’t get in to get help.

After this abrupt stop in my tracks of getting help I took a deep breath, let the feeling show up. Felt them deep to my core and then got moving to make something positive in my day. I just need one. One tiny little thing that brings positivity can change the whole outcome of my day. I got searching for ways to help my anxiety attacks and found a Youtube channel that I had never heard of before. I did not binge the content because I found that I need to pay attention to those messages. Those kind of videos usually come to me after I asked for help in my prayers. I do not pray religiously but more as in talking to a friend out loud. It’s helping me to relax and fall asleep at night. It’s like a recap of the good that happened in my day, things I would like to change and a bunch of more thinking. It’s a good way to relax my freight train of thoughts that carry too many regrets and guilt on the front seat. It helps me putting a pause and kicking a few of them to the curb. I have an hard time discarding these when my thoughts are moving to fast. They are better at hoping in without my knowledge than me sending them overboard while moving.

I have found a few good thoughts in those videos that have implemented in my daily routine. I was finding that some of my old coping mechanisms have become obsolete and needed to be updated. Some coping mechanisms are not meant to last a lifetime. They need to be updated as I grow and that my need change. The last video I have watched was talking about not giving up. The narrator was saying that for her things seems to go from bad to worst before they get better. I would agree with her. It must be because my patience is being put to the test that I have anxiety aggressively creeping up. My lack of control of certain situations are sending me in a downward spiral making my life seems to be miserable and not worth pursuing my dreams. I need to remind myself that my lack of control doesn’t mean it’s all over and not worth fighting for. I need to remind myself of all the good things that can come of those not so great situations that present themselves to me. On the moment they might not bring immediate knowledge but perspective and time can. I need to wait my for my time to come to find my silver lining.

As I’m implementing my new knowledge and adapting some learned skills things are bound to go bad before they are going to get better. Just the other day I used my new skills to stop a mediatised issue that could have turned into an obsession. My need to protect another person and to shelter them from the hurt of another ran strong inside me. The feelings that ran into me were so strong that I was hurting for the other person. Seeing their face wincing in pain reliving the pains of the past reminded me of my own from my past. I was quite sympathetic to their hurt. It was grabbing me tight in my inside, crushing my soul one more time. Memories of similar situations came gushing through my mind as if a fissured dam had given in. My hearth was crushed and an immense need to hold that person tight and protect them raised in me. It took me all my might to take action in not allowing this to become an obsession and create a destruction path in my mind. I’m sure glad I saw the first signs of it and I was able to control the damages. It scares me to not have been able to stop it in its tracks. I need not think about the ravages that it could have caused.

Looking back I can see my growth. It’s hundreds of miles away than where I started just a few years back. I can clearly remember my last “obsession”. It took me so much to get out of it. It was so scary to not be able to get it out of my head and now, I was able to not let it invade me. Being human is hard, everything about living is not easy but it’s up to me to make this journey my own and enjoy it while I go through it. When I feel stuck or going through a hard patch, I find it would be easy to just give up and close myself in a world of my own but I know that deep down that I need these hiccups to generate the need to grow and change my ways. I’m taking to much comfort into the instability of the known. It’s not a way for me to live. I strive for more. My heart longs for bigger and better. I need to keep going no matter what. I know deep down that it’s worth the journey even if it’s not the easiest. This quote: ” Hardship often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny” by C.S. Lewis stays in my peripheral.

I must keep moving and remember to smell the horses.